A little taste of what you could have had -
Sweet in the moment, but bitter afterward.
Ask.
Drafted in 2011, completed in 2012.
After TAF (2011), I initially walked away thinking, “I’m going to be the one who forgives others, and gives them a second chance”. For those of you who know me, this is pretty out of character, and to be honest, I’m kind of scared because I’m setting myself up to get hurt again. As someone who grew up in multiple places, having friends leave you behind sucks - a lot. Friends shouldn’t be taken for granted.
Our speaker reminded me that the three parts of forgiveness include Asking, Giving, and Being. Asking is definitely the most humbling of the three, and it happens a lot less than it should. I also think that Asking is the most important of the three. It means that you recognize that you’ve hurt somebody else and that you want to try and right your wrong.
Now, over a year later, like I predicted, this mentality has just created more pain for me. People (in general) are really selfish, especially in college. There are only a few exceptions to this rule, so most likely, you are too.
As I’m trying to figure out where my core support team is within my web of friends all across the country/world, I find myself running into people who either detract from well-being, or just take my existence for granted. The game has changed from year ago. Now, Detract enough and you end up here.
But even if you don’t hit that level, at some point, I’m out. I can’t keep giving and giving and giving. Who’s going to fill my cup when I’m empty from filling yours? The selfishness starts making me wonder if we really are friends.
To be continued.
Lifehack: Clean up your Facebook connections
Studies have been circling around the internet for the past year or two about how Facebook can make you sad. Due to social norms, we even make connections with people, we might not want to. It’s time to take control over your life again. Here are two tips to control who you see and who you don’t. While I’m a fan of connecting and maintaining relationships, some people just make things worse. Out of sight, out of mind.
1. Control your chat list
i. If you’re bothered by someone showing up on your chat list, just click through the individual settings cog:
ii. If you want to turn chat back on (or if you want to block others), click through the settings cog for the chat client overall:
2. Control your newsfeed
i. Get rid of people you don’t need - uncheck “Show in Newsfeed” for the friends you don’t need to see.
ii. More options can be found when you hide posts - An upside down caret shows up when you hover over a newsfeed post. Get rid of what you don’t need, from people you don’t need.
All in all, we need to clean up our lives. Our brains and hearts don’t have the space to waste on people who make things worse.
Connecting, not Networking.
A lot of people pride themselves on their networking abilities. To them, I say, “You’re full of it.” [As a side note, props to MAASU, for having a workshop about this, even though I didn’t get to see it]
There is a fellow I know who seems to eat up anything that a person with power says. He’s so easily “inspired” by them, that if someone were to realize this, they could easily manipulate him. But that’s beside the point. He rushes to “network” with these people of power, and rushes to “network” with students in power, but completely neglects others, who he doesn’t see as offering any value to him - either professionally, or perhaps aesthetically, if you know what I mean. It’s not a surprise that he’s seen as a douche/tool by many, but that’s beside the point.
Here’s my take: If you only network “up”, then you show that you are selfish and the relationships you make will probably be short-lived. People in power have no need for your useless ass.
I strongly believe in investing in my peers, especially in college. You don’t know who’s going to make it big, so you take a genuine interest in them. You help them out with their stuff, and hopefully they’ll reciprocate. If you think about the end result, the worst that could happen is that you’ve found yourself a new friend. What’s on the upside? You’re long-time friends with a billionaire, and you’ve invested in them since the beginning - you might not even care that they’re rich, you just enjoy their company, because you’re legitimately friends, and not an “upwards networking leech.”
The problem I’m running into is with the issue of time though. I love meeting new people, and getting to know them (Note, this is actually getting to know them - not just putting them into my mental contact file) but there’s just not enough time… unless you make them a priority, and make time.
There’s not enough time!
I’m so lucky to have many friends from different schools. It’s sort of become a joke to some people, how I’m always bouncing around from crowd to crowd, but I don’t mind it - I’ve always detested cliques and looked to break them. Maybe it’s because I moved around so much as a kid, and I never really found a spot deep inside a clique.
If there was one thing I could change about this past Midwest Conference (or maybe about life…), it would just be to have more time - we could always use more time. Over the course of this year, I’ve gotten to know so many people, and I saw so many worlds collide at ITASA MWC. UIUC, Northwestern, Ohio State, TAF, UMich, TANG, you name it. And then I was busy meeting even more new people, both from these places, and I just hadn’t known them before, and from other places, say Michigan State, or Case Western.
It was at lunch when I got kind of overwhelmed. It was CRAZY to pick up food, and be able to talk with nearly every group I walked past. I had good friends in every group and I felt so loved to have them ask me to stay and chill with them.
At the end of the conference, I looked back and realized that I had a good time, but I really wanted to just spend time with people and chat about life. It’s such a basic thing, but it’s so fundamental to building relationships with other people.
We live in a world that encourages you to blindly truck forward and always be busy, but I don’t think that’s right, or healthy. I strongly believe that sometimes we need to just slow down, and take stock of where we are, and who we are.
While people in college just want to go out and party (and this is perfectly rational), in my book, there’s nothing like a late-night life-pondering session. I like getting to know people better, ever so slightly, every time we meet.
It bothers me that…
…it doesn’t really bother me that we aren’t friends anymore.
So I guess what bothers me is that I have the ability to be so cold. 8 months ago, I was letting it weigh me down. Now, I’m tempted to just say, “Fuck it.” I can’t wait at the end of that maze for you forever.
I don’t need you and your self-centered nonsense in my life. I feel like it’s a friend’s responsibility to let you know that this is what you’ve become, but when you step back and look at it, we’re not friends anymore. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to be friends with who you’ve become.
One of the best things I’ve done in the past few months is unfollow some people on various social media sites who REALLY just have gotten on my nerves. I noticed that my days felt better without seeing their thoughts.
To be fair, I have many friendships that I’d be willing to fight for. It’s just…perhaps some aren’t worth that effort.
Nothing good happens after 2AM
But sometimes, little good things happen right before the 2AM mark.
Take last night, for example.
I have had this friend since my first year of college. I never really considered us close, but we’ve had our moments. Regardless, I always thought it was one of those friendships that would just…
I write about this all the time, but often feel like it’s futile. Perhaps hearing it from someone else will help? Read it!
Sunday Morning (Maroon 5) - Alison Yeh
Shoutout to my camper/friend, Alison! It’s amazing to watch her grow up for the past ten years and chase her dreams. Wait. Crazy that it’s nearly been a decade already. I feel old.
Close and Good are Not the Same
Generalization: Everybody needs a pit crew.
Whether it’s from growing up together, living on the same freshman floor together, or going to the same summer camp together, people get close with one another. They go through life together and trust each other with secrets. People will often have a “best” friend, but I wonder if the proper terminology should be “closest” friend.
Just because you hang out with someone a lot doesn’t mean they’re a good friend. You’ll often hear, “Are they there for you when you need them?” but I’d push that further to “Do they help you when you need them?” It’s easy to be there for a friend, but it’s harder to provide legitimate support for them. For me, a good friend is one that doesn’t let me down - no matter what my crisis may be. Truth is that they’re hard to come by.
Reality: Everybody needs a good pit crew.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be good than close.
